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Mental: The Disgusting Feeling of Smoking

by Kaushik Sundararajan

,
India

I just suddenly quit. The one reason a smoker doesn't want to quit is because, he doesn't know what else he could do to spend time. There is some amount of truth in it. In fact, if I could smoke just 5 or 6 cigerrattes a day, I would have never quit. Smoking 20 on a non-drinking day was sick. Also, there were some personal (non-health) reasons that got me to make some changes. I had made one attempt a couple of weeks before and it lasted for 5 days. On the fifth day, I felt confident that I can quit and said I will just take a puff from my friend. I then took another puff in the evening. Then slowly, I was back to normal routine in the next couple of days. However, In those five days , I realised why I was actually smoking. Its hard to explain it. You have to figure out your reasons yourself. After a couple of weeks, I was vacationing with my parents. I was with them one whole week. I was hell bent not to take a puff. Through out the one week vaction, my thoughts were on how I was gonna stay quit after my vacation : 1) I had to quit. How the hell was I gonna stick to it, I didn't know. Though I was enjoying the vacation, I realised I missed ciggarettes so much. I was on a house boat in a beautful canal, playing cards with my parents and cousins. I just realized what a joy it would be to hold a glass of beer in one hand and a cigarrette in the other, enjoying the beautiful scenery. I realised, quitting was going to be impossible. I love it too much. I still believe, a non-smoker has no idea of the bliss of smoking in such situations. So, I asked myself, if it was worth giving up such a great source of joy. The problem comes in when you are not on vacation. When you are at work and you are pulled away from your desk. At the end of the normal working day, I was always disgusted with the habit, the taste of tobacco in my mouth and lungs. Cigarrtes dominated my mind and my whole day. After I wake up in the morning , the first thought would be - 'CIGARETTE'. Great let me have the first cigarrette. While I have my breakfast or lunch or any meal, I will think , 'good. I will be having a cigarrette after this meal'. After smoking one cigarette, I will wait for time to pass by, wait for tobacco in my system to dilute, so that I can have the next cigarrette. And so the whole day was nothing but waiting for the next cigarrette. At night after hitting the bed, you keep yourself awake so that you can finish all the cigarretes you have. I would feel the whole day (and hence my whole ...?) got wasted because of the time spent shuttling to and from the smoking lounge. So, the fact was, I was disgusted with the habit on a normal working day. It was this disgust I wanted to concentrate on. I wanted to quit not because of some stupid health reason but because I was disgusted. On the other hand, I had to be honest. While I was vactioning with no care in the world, cigarretes would have been great bliss. If I could smoke only on such occations as say, A drinking session with your friends ,on top a of a mountain, a forest , a lake, , A bonfire etc. They are great. But if I allow myself this great joy, then I will end up continuing while on a a normal routine day, which I know clearly disgusted me. So, I kept concentrating on the disgust, through out my vacation. I told myself, I needed to quit to avoid the disgust. When I went back after my vacation, I decided to concentrate on the disgusting feeling that I will have at the end of the day , instead of concentrating on the momentary relief that a cigarrete is gonna give. And that way, I went through the first couple of days. After two days, my thoughts were like - Ok, its great going. But I know I can quit, its so easy. So, big deal, let me just take a puff. THEN, I remembered what happened the previous occasion. One puff led to two and then more. So, I realized one more point - Smoking should be defined as taking a puff. After I take one puff, one more seems normal. After I take two puffs, I feel I lost the game and I could as well smoke a whole cigarrete. This is what happened last time. And I knew it would happen again. So, I said I just won't even take a single puff. My thoughts on these days would be like : I have to quit because, of the disgusting feeling I have as a smoker. I don't want to have that feeling all my life. And if I take a single puff , I will come back for ever. So, I won't take a single puff and hence I will stay quit. Good bye to the disgusting feeling. I also stopped looking at quitting as an eternal fight. Instead, I saw it as something like : Good riddance, I have quit. Now , no more worries and no more battles. After one week, I began to positively feel better. I cherished every time I resisted a cigarette. I looked back at the whole week as a great success. When ever, I was in a weak situation like being in a bar, I would think of the success of quitting I was beginning to enjoy. I wanted to continue enjoy the feeling of success. And so the second week was the most enjoyable of all. I was growing in confidence. Every night when I hit the bed - I compared the feeling to the feeling of disgust I used to have. It felt good to be rid of the habit. The next day, when I had an urge to smoke I would think of the good feeling I had the previous night. And so, it continued for the second week. After the second week, it was much easier. I didn't really feel that bad , not smoking. Taking a puff at that point onwards would require a conscious effort, which could easily be avoided. Now, all I have to say to myself is : Don't underestimate the dangers of a single puff. Just don't take a single puff. Thats it. Its been six months. I am proud of the greatest achievement of my life. And I damn well will stick it - Not a single puff.