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Preparation: A Year Long Journey

by Robin Arielle Torres

Dana Point, California
United States

I wrote down on a piece of paper: I will quit smoking at the end of the year. Over the months, I did all sorts of little "quits" ... for one day, then from Monday through Friday, for one cocktail party evening, etc. I gave myself a chance to see what some of the experiences were going to be like when I was a non-smoker. I paid special attention to the negative feelings I had when I was smoking (I'd hold my breath when I kissed relatives, started noticing fine lines around my mouth,etc.) and realized all the times I said negative things about myself (I'm addicted, I don't have the willpower to stop, etc.). I hated that negativity in my life and that helped fuel me to quit. I never let myself smoke in the house or in my car. I changed cigarette brands often. I tried to upset my routine whenever I could. I read about all the lies and bs the cigarette manufacturers were selling. I watched all the kids at the high school near my house and knew I was yet another bad influence in society. I hated spewing more smoke into the already clogged up atmosphere. Basically, for a whole year I convinced myself that my desire to not smoke was stronger than my addiction; and further, that since it was an addiction, I needed to work very hard to undo the habit of 20 years. When New Year's Eve finally came (2001), my husband and I each bought a pack of cigarettes and smoked them all. On my last cigarette, I sat on the porch and blew the smoke out to the heavens and said "go away, I don't need you anymore." For the next five days, my husband and I made a pact to wake up at 5:00am, drive to a beach near our house, and jog as far as we could. The first day was awful, hacking and coughing. Each day got a little easier. I bought and made a lot of fresh fruit juices and made sure we took a lot of vitamins, drank a lot of water, to help our bodies flush out the toxins (and the detox feelings) as quickly as possible. I went to websites and kept a log of what repairs my body was going through each day. We made it through those first days by sheer stubbornness, trying anything to shake up the routine. I took so many walks after dinner, and drank lots and lots of green tea. By February I signed up with a yoga class, a place where I would never want anyone to smell cigarettes on me. I went twice a week for 6 weeks. Next I took guitar lessons. Then I joined a gym. (Instead of gaining weight, I've actually lost 10 pounds over the course of the year!) And on it went, continually updating my "habits" - creating new practices to replace the old. And it's funny how, now, I have so many positive thoughts about myself (I look great, I'm strong and healthy, when I get winded I recover quickly, I can kiss my husband anytime I want!) and these positive thoughts get stronger and stronger every day. There are still hard times (get in an argument, job woes, death of loved ones) but you find new ways to deal with it. Just sitting quietly sometimes, taking a really deep clean breath, until your mind can process what's happening (instead of running around trying to find a cigarette or a match) can help. For the most part, though, I now have so much pride in quitting I hardly even think about smoking, and if I do, it's only for a second. A quick "fix" of nicotine is not worth undoing a year's worth of work and taking away all the pride I feel. And I remind myself and my husband often that we should be very, very proud. Each of us makes the choice every day to be healthy, to be as positive as we can, to make the world a better place. It's one year since I quit. Soon I'm going to try to get pregnant and I'm so excited to be healthy and ready for it. My mom just quit this New Year's after 40 years and I'm very hopeful what I learned and what others out there have experienced will help her, too. It's a strong drug. And society romances the hell out of it. But, when you really want to quit, you can do it! Good Luck!