Home > Sarcasm

Sarcasm

Here are several sarcastic methods for quitting smoking that people have submitted to us. Remember, these are "tongue in check," so don't take these too seriously!

Families Pay the Price

by Tyler Younger

Indianapolis, Indana
United States

Ive found that by taking out my aggression and frustration on those that I love has made all of the difference in my struggle to quit smoking.

10 ways not to give up smoking - And one that works

by Anonymous

Ladybank, Fife
United Kingdom

10 ways not to give up smoking - And one that works Over the years I've tried many times to give up smoking. Along the way I've subjected myself to some of the 'recommended' methods. If you are thinking about giving up, here are some ways not to go about it.

Try to cut down
This is the cowards way out - and you know it. "I'll just have one now, and no more till twelve o clock" you'll say. Then you'll hit a stress situation at ten-thirty and have two cigarettes to calm you down. But they don't count do they?

Use patches
These are just an excuse to flash your body at people. You'll all do it - lifting up your shirt or blouse to show off your "battle bandage". And you'll still need something to do with your hands, so you'll have a cigarette.

Use nicotine gum
You'll need to masticate constantly to get any kind of buzz. Your gums will hurt, your jaw will ache, your mouth will taste like a stale ashtray and you'll look like a cow. You'll be better off having a cigarette.

Use hypnosis
Do you really want to stand on your head every time somebody says "cigarette"?

Use acupuncture
Someone you don't know will stick large needles into your body. In any sane society the practitioner would be jailed for torture.

Try exercise
Within five minutes you'll be red faced, wheezing for breath and coughing up phlegm. Real exercise buffs will look at you with such pity that you'll need a cigarette.

Try isolation
Lock yourself away, talk to no one, avoid all social contact. You'll be so bored you'll need a cigarette.

Try a cigarette substitute
Do this and you'll find that everybody, and I do mean everybody, will ask you stupid questions like "Are you trying to give up smoking then?" This will annoy you so much you'll need to have a cigarette.

Try to avoid situations where you'll want a cigarette
This is the standard method given out by all the 'experts.' It is also completely useless. Do you really want to give up coffee? Or booze? Or sex? Or watching television? Or waking up in the morning? See what I mean?

Try to be a non-smoker
You'll find yourself telling smokers how great you feel, how smoking is a filthy disgusting habit, and how you'll never let a cigarette touch your lips. These will be lies, and everybody will know it. This lying will cause you so much stress that you'll need a cigarette.

So what are you to do? I'll let you know the only method that really works. Stop buying cigarettes.

I've been nicotine free for eighteen months now. I feel great. Smoking is a filthy disgusting habit, and I'll never let another cigarette touch my lips. William Meikle http://www.willie.meikle.btinternet.co.uk

A Sure Cure, But is it Worth It?!?!?!

by Patrick

United States

chop off head

Be Ready

by Anonymous

Halifax, West Yorkshire
United Kingdom

The best way is to be ready for when the opportune moment arrives, such as : being shipwrecked and surviving for 2 months on a raft ; alone on the Moon with limitless supply of oxygen (but no smokes); sitting on a pillar (can be cigarette-shaped) in the desert for 40 days and nights ; being imprisoned in a padded cell with straitjacket ; on a desert isle with 20 cartons but...no matches ; a rainy night so you can't be bothered to get sopping wet just to satisfy that relentless never-off craving and then, THEN you decide...!

Big as a Bear

by Anonymous

Swansea, Wales
United States

all you have to do is eat lots and lots of really fatty foods until you look like a big fat grissily bear. i mean when i used to smoke i weighed 7st, and look at me now! i only weigh a little extra. 13st to be exact! it has to be said, its the best method ever.

Doritoes?!?!?

by Arlene Alderbury

United States

I started by adding Doritos to my diet. I found that they suppressed my addiction to nicotine. So, I quit smoking, and THEN I quit eating Doritos. Now, I'm thin and smoke-free!

Floppy Arms

by Shaun Floyd

Austin, Texas
United States

I HATE SMOKING, NOW I LOVED IT FOR A LONG TIME, NEVER COULD GET ENOUGH AS A MATTER OF FACT I FOUND IT SLIGHTLY EROTIC IN A WAY, BUT THATS OVER NOW! YOU THINK IT IS HARD TO QUIT? WELL, DO WHAT I DID NOW EVERYTIME I GET A CRAVEING TO SMOKE I CUT MYSELF WITH A HUNTING KNIFE AND BE SO CONCERNED WITH STOPPING THE BLEEDING I WOULDN'T SMOKE!IT TAKES ABOUT A MONTH USING MY METHOD AND THE SCARS NEVER GO AWAY BUT I FEEL ALOT BETTER THAN I DID!

Get Hit With a Bat

by Anonymous

Clarksville, Tennessee
United States

I have no method, only theory. I have set my quit date for the 4th of February, 02, day after Superbowl, even though Titans, SF, Green Bay, and Raiders won't be in it. My theory is there should be a business where you can rent a 200 pound buffed person, with a big bat, or a 150 pound person with big bat (that would be a discount). Everytime you went to light up, wack. After a day or two, that might work.

Lung Fires

by Greogory Humphry

Boston, Massachusetts
United States

I know this is going to sound weird but it works it really works.Every time i wanted a smoke i took it out of the pack lite it as if i were going to smoke ' but what i would do is hold the ciggert tightly in the palm of my hand till it burned my flesh tremendously.after a few weeks of this I didn't even want to pull a smoke out anymore not to metion my hands were coverd in third deegre burns and they had to be wrapped in bandages and couldn't lite a smoke the weird part about it when my hands finally healed i did't crave a smoke but i had a unincasheable urge to burn my hands... Sound twisted and you say to yourself that you couldn,t go and burn your hands like that.But think of it this way the chemicals and tar in ciggeretts is like fire to your lungs and to finsh this let me ask you are not going to go burn your hands so why would you go burn your lungs. Pleases quit only you can prevent lung fires. smokey weeps for you.

Sew Your Mouth Closed

by Anonymous

United States

sew your mouth closed, tie your hands behind you

Slice That Monkey Off Your Back

by J. Alfred Prufrock

New York, New York
United States

My method was really quite simple. When I vowed to myself and family that I would finally cease the disgusting habit I knew I would have to taper off somehow. However, I still wanted punish myself in some way for smoking these last cigarettes. So I carried a thin razor blade in the cellophnae of pack and each time that I lit up I would take the razor and make a long gash in my forearm. As this routine continued I began to associate the thought of sparking a butt with the sensation of hair-thin steel stirring my blood. Consequently, smoking became quite a repugnet activity and, in due time, I came to mortally fear the very sight of a cigarette pack. Over all, this method was highly successful for me and I encourage anyone to, as I phrase it, " slice that monkey off your back."

Smoke til you Choke

by Al

Hayward, California
United States

Here'a method that works! Just follow these steps!!!

Keep smoking until you start:

1) gasping for air
2) breathlessness
3) chest pain
4) very painful chest pain
5) 911 Call
6) emergency room
7) x-rays
8) collapsed lungs
9) operating table
10) Surgeon slicing your body
11) Surgeon inserting Chest Tube on the right side, in between the ribs and all the way to the lung
12) repeat step 11 for the left side
13) stay confined in the hospital for several days
14) keep "whining" in the hospital for several days because it's very painful
15) keep asking for pain shots
16) very painful Chest Tube removal on your right side and stitches on your body
17) repeat step 16 for the left side
18) stay in the hospital for few more days.
19) repeat steps 13, 14 and 15 before going home.
20) stay home in bed and keep whining until you feel better
21) expect shortness of breath in between breathing
22) repeat step 21 everyday for the rest of your life!!!

Smoking as I'm Typing

by Johan Al

Beverly Hills, California
United States

My method is to set your self on fire for about 20 sec;(from head to toe)-- results may vary. -this way you won't be able to touch your skin nor put a cigarette in your mouth due to severe soarness all over your skin. -in case this method has caused a sudden death--smile for you have achieved your goal. now that you are dead, not only have you quit smoking, but you also will stay quit forever due to the fact that your dead. - of course you know that the whole method is a big joke. otherwise you should seek help from specialists. - the reason why i submited this method is just to draw a smile on some people's faces including mine. - i am still trying to quit - i used all kinda methods, still no way out. but i won't give up, even though i am holding my cigarette as i am typing this, i am sure that it won't be long. i WILL quit sooner or later. NEVER GIVE UP - GOD BLESS YOU FOR EVEN TRYING TO QUIT. - BEST WISHES :)

Step One: Don't Start

by Flex

QuΘbec,
Canada

My Method is the best of them all......First Step: Don't NOT start smoking.....If you follow the step you will never have trouble with smoking butts but you'll kick butts. Thank You

Submit Your Quit Smoking Method